Life, How To's, and Other Various Ramblings

New Diet Craze or The Hazards of Eating with Children March 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — threefunnyvoices @ 4:58 pm
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I love children but children are disgusting. Children are germ boxes waiting to spread their boogers/spit/other bodily fluids on the unsuspecting adult. Only children would think it was perfectly fine to sneeze in your face, bite another human being, or slather their own feces on themselves like they were in a spa getting a mud bath.

Did I mention that I love children?

You know why? Today I discovered a marketable plan, a very profitable marketable plan. Forget Juice cleanses, the french women don’t get fat diet, weight watchers, and the gym. What you need is theĀ  Eating with Children diet. On this diet, you can eat whatever your heart desires. Unfortunately your appetite will be greatly diminished on the EWC diet that you won’t get to, or want to, enjoy the food before you.

Let me give you an example of what a typical EWC scenario can be by using one that happened today:

Scene: Mexican Restaurant

Time: Lunchtime a.k.a. The Kids are starving because they haven’t eaten in the last ten minutes

The Rascals: Three children ages, 13, 9, and 7

The Victim: Yours Truly

What Happened: Some how I get placed in our party of 9 sitting next to, and across from said children. The server puts several baskets of chips on the table and tons of little bowls for salsa. I fill up my bowl for salsa. Keep in mind you there are little bowls for everyone to have their own. Suddenly three little hands dip, double dip, and TRIPLE DIP their chips in MY bowl. My bowl!!

No. Not ok.

Then the 13 year old gets a nose bleed, uses a napkin to clean his nose and then puts the bloody napkin on the table. Blood. Salsa. Nonononononononono!!!!

My appetite is about on its way out the door.

I watch the seven year old wipe her nose on her arm leaving a clearly visible trail of yellow mucus.

The nine year old, more well behaved out of the bunch, sneezed. In the air. Across from me. Probably into my astonished mouth.

Then the nine year old discovers the bloody napkin, yells at her brother, throws the napkin at him. He calmly picks it up off the table, uses it to wipe his salsa covered fingers on it (because when you triple dip, you are now dunking your fingers with the chip into the salsa), and takes a handful of chips out of the communal baskets.

Are you still hungry?

I bet that you aren’t.

I even bet that next time you eat chips and salsa this story will pop into your head.

I love these kids and I know grossness comes with the territory of being around them, but there is a limit to the amount of gross I can take at any given meal.

EWC diet. Guaranteed to work, or your money back.




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